


Needs

by JessJesstheBest



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Asexual Character, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, M/M, Post-The Raven King, ace!Ronan, beta'd by wonderful people I don't deserve, kind of, they figured it out together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 01:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14843246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessJesstheBest/pseuds/JessJesstheBest
Summary: Ronan was spread out from armrest to armrest on one of the longer and more worn couches of the Barns. Adam was spread on top of him, their legs intertwined and their hips pressed together. While Adam struggled with that, Ronan appeared to... well... not.Or Ronan and Adam haven't had sex yet and Adam needs to have a Conversation about that.





	Needs

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "Coming Out"

It wasn’t like Adam to take the initiative to start a capital ‘C’ Conversation. 

He didn’t like having to work things out in anything but his own head. If sometimes, this meant he was closed off to the people around him, well, at this point they were used to it. 

Having Discussions was outside of his comfort zone. And he already spent enough time out of his comfort zone – what with the backbreaking labor hours, the constant studying, and the being dirt poor in a conversation about being rich – that he allowed himself this comfortable spot.

Adam was not likely to ‘we need to talk’.

But Ronan was even less likely to ‘we need to talk’.

“Ronan?”

The sound came out muffled against Ronan’s lips as he spoke it in the middle of a heavy makeout session.

Adam was unpracticed in Conversations, but even he realized this probably wasn’t the best time.

If they didn’t talk soon, however, Adam was going to have an embarrassing situation.

Ronan just hummed against his lips, his fingers flexing where they were laced with Adam’s, suspended above the couch cushion.

Ronan was spread out from armrest to armrest on one of the longer and more worn couches of the Barns. Adam was spread on top of him, their legs intertwined and their hips pressed together. While Adam struggled with that, Ronan appeared to... well... not.

Adam took a couple moments to be distracted by the callous on the edge of Ronan’s thumbnail scraping it’s way up Adam’s pinky. It deliciously echoed the play of Ronan’s stubble against his chin.

“Ronan,” he breathed. He flexed his foot against Ronan’s ankle trying to pull himself together. It didn’t work.

“You like this, right?”

Ronan snorted, the breath a gust against Adam’s jaw. “You tryin’ to dirty talk me, Parrish?”

Adam rolled his eyes, knocking their joined hands into Ronan’s temple. “No, asshole.” He kissed the corner of Ronan’s mouth. “Just taking an informational survey.”

Ronan pulled back a bit to raise his eyebrow. “Don’t surveys need multiple people? Who else you making out with, Parrish?”

“No one, Jesus.” He kissed the other corner of Ronan’s mouth again. “A survey is just like a study. Like a–”

“Performance review?” Ronan smirked.

Adam butted their foreheads together. “Yes. No. Kinda. Shut up.”

Ronan laughed, reaching his neck up to kiss Adam.

Adam waited probably a couple seconds too many to pull back. “So, uh, how  _ much _ –”

“God, you fuckin nerd.” Ronan snorted, butting his forehead again with Adam’s. He grinned his wolf-toothed grin but his eyes were all lamb. “10/10.”

Adam grinned back, letting the scratch of Ronan’s buzzed hair make an irritated mess of his skin.

“I’ll be sure to jot that down.”

Ronan tightened his free arm around Adam’s waist as if Adam really was going to get up to jot that down. Adam laughed. “Not right now, obviously. You tyrant.”

Ronan playfully bit at Adam’s jaw. Adam cleared his throat.

“So this is good then.” He said, as Ronan hummed, making his way down Adam’s neck. “Have you considered… other things?”

Ronan barely paused. “Like?” he asked with a scrape of his teeth against Adam’s Adam’s apple.

“Sex,” Adam gasped.

Ronan paused, pulling back to look at Adam.

Adam tensed, sure he’d crossed some kind of line. Ronan had weird rules about things – it was the guilty Irish Catholic boy in him. But he didn’t look angry or scared or repulsed. Just mildly confused.

“Did you want to?”

Now Adam was confused. “Do you not?”

Ronan frowned. “I hadn't thought about it.”

That didn’t really serve to clarify things for Adam. Because Adam didn’t have to ‘think’ about it… it was one of the few things in his life he could just  _ feel _ . He hadn’t ‘thought’ “Hm, yes, I’d like to have sex with Ronan.” He felt the thrumming in his kneecaps and the tension in his toes and the buzzing in his cheeks when Ronan touched him or kissed him or  _ looked _ at him. It was a build of squirming guts and burning flesh. It wasn’t  _ thought _ .

But apparently, Ronan had to think about it.

He started to pull away and Ronan held him fast. “Hey, no, wait.” Adam allowed himself to be pulled flush with Ronan. Ronan brushed his hand up from Adam’s waist to cup the back of his head. “We can do that. We can have sex if you want.”

Adam snorted unhappily. “Ronan, I’m not going to have sex with you if you don’t want to.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t  _ want _ to, I just haven’t thought about it!”

“How?!” Adam’s voice was just on this side of angry. “I am pressed against you all the way up. I can feel your pelvis and I  _ know _ you can feel mine.” He resisted the urge to grind down to emphasise his point. If Ronan really didn’t want to have sex, that would definitely be crossing a line.

“Our dicks are making contact through two layers of clothing. And this isn’t even the first time this has happened,” Adam continued. “And you haven’t thought about? Not even your dick has thought about it?”

Ronan frowned again, his eyebrows tipping into frustrated spikes. “I just like kissing you. So that’s what I think about.”

Adam could feel himself blush but he didn’t let himself get distracted. Instead, he decided to change tactics. “Do you think about kissing me a lot?”

Ronan rolled his eyes but his hand was still soft in Adam’s hair. “Obviously.”

Adam hummed, his thumb rubbing circles over the bolt of Ronan’s jaw. “When?”

Ronan’s body melted into the couch, his face going soft again. “All the time. When you’re in school. Before I go to bed and you’re at St. Agnes.”

Adam’s mouth twitched. “In the shower?”

Ronan tilted his head in a sort of shrug. “Sure.”

“And do you…” he kissed Ronan’s collar bone where it peeked out of his tank top. “Touch yourself?”

Ronan laughed, his chest jumping against Adam’s mouth. “Are you asking if I jerk off to you in the shower, Parrish?”

Adam looked up at him, pulling himself up to he was eye to eye with Ronan. “Yes, Lynch, that’s what I’m asking.”

Ronan just laughed again. “No, you weirdo. Who does that?”

“Uh,  _ everyone?!” _ Adam gaped at him. “Teenage boys have been jerking off in the shower for as long as there’s been plumbing, Ronan. Longer if you count bath houses.”

“Yeah, maybe in porn.” Ronan’s face was set in a relaxed smirk. Adam was so confused. “Or if you’re Declan.”

“You think it’s only  _ Declan– _ ”

“What, like you’re telling me you or Gansey actually–”

“Yes!” Adam choked. “Yes, I’m sure Gansey has! And I–” He swallowed.

Now Ronan looked stricken.

“... you jerk off to me in the shower?”

Adam nodded, his ears going red. “Yeah, uh–” he swallowed again. He had this annoying voice in the back of his head that sounded a lot like Gansey.  _ ‘How do you expect to do it if you can’t talk about it, Adam?’ _

“Yeah,” he started again. “I get myself off to thoughts of you. Sometimes in my bed to help me get to sleep. Sometimes in the shower after a long day. Sometimes just because I was thinking about you.”

Now Ronan was turning red. Adam regretted everything.

“But,” Adam averted his eyes. “Uh, if that’s not how you feel about me–”

“Parrish. Adam.” Ronan cupped Adam’s chin in his hand and forced Adam to look at him. “Shut the fuck up. You know how I feel about you.”

And Adam did. Or he thought he did.

“Parrish, hey, look at me.” 

Adam did. Ronan’s eyebrows were spiky again but Adam thought this time it might be in concern. “I don’t lie.”

Adam knew that too. But this made no sense.

“So you don’t think about it at all?”

Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Sex?” Adam nodded. “Not really. Not in a real way.”

Adam started to sit up and Ronan tried to pull him down again.

Adam batted him away. “I’d like to be sitting up while we talk about this, please.”

Ronan pouted in a very Ronan way. Which was to say he scowled and huffed and called Adam a ‘fucker’ under his breath.

Adam grabbed both of Ronan’s hands in both of his when they were both sitting and Ronan’s scowl lessened just a bit.

Adam was quiet for several moments, getting his thoughts in order. He ran his fingers along Ronan’s so Ronan didn’t get antsy while he waited.

First, Adam had to get past the major roadblock that was his insecurity. Adam had long ago accepted that he was the one Ronan wanted. That despite the trailer – despite the poverty, despite Robert, despite Adam’s own overwhelming insufficiency – this beautiful, ferocious, handsome, precious boy  _ wanted _ him. Wanted  _ him _ .

This moment – this denial of Ronan’s – felt like every contradiction Adam had been waiting for. Had expected.

But Ronan was telling him it wasn’t. That everything Ronan had told him was true. The kind of true that didn’t become untrue with time or a change of perspective or a change of opinion. Ronan wanted Adam. This was a fact.

Ronan didn’t think about sex with Adam. This was also a fact.

“Is it a church thing?” Adam asked, finally. “I know the relationship between Catholics and sex is always weird.”

Ronan looked down at their hands. “Could be.”

“But what about Declan?”

Ronan snorted. “Declan’s not the best Catholic.”

Adam couldn’t argue that. But– “Neither are you.”

Ronan couldn’t argue that either.

“What did you mean when you said you didn’t think about sex ‘in a real way?’”

Ronan shrugged, still staring at their hands. “I don’t know, man. Just like it wasn’t a real thing. It wasn’t something I ever thought of connected to me. It was something Declan did because he’s a slut. It’s something straight people were obsessed with. But it always sounded like something people did because people expected them to. I didn’t think anyone really  _ wanted _ it, you know?”

Adam didn’t know. But he felt like he knew who might.

“Give me your phone.”

Ronan looked at him, eyebrow raised.

“I’m calling Blue.”

“The fuck you are.”

Adam reached into Ronan’s pocket, impatiently.

“Why would it possibly be in my pocket?” Ronan asked, letting Adam frisk him. “I thought you knew me.”

Adam growled, pulling himself off the couch so he could hunt down Ronan’s phone.

He found it plugged in next to his bed. Which was useless to Ronan while he was elsewhere in the house but still surprising that Ronan would take the initiative to make sure it was charged.

He brought it back down to Ronan, who had slumped sideways on the couch dramatically when Adam had pulled away from him. It was already ringing and on speaker when he curled himself into Ronan’s side.

“Hello Ronan,” purred Orla on the other end of the phone.

Adam sighed. “Orla, you have to know that I’m sitting right here.”

Orla’s cackle crackled through the beat-up phone speaker, making Ronan bristle. Adam patted his arm.

“May we please speak to Blue?”

“If I can find her…”

Adam rolled his eyes.

Blue must have been nearby because she came on the line just a couple moments later.

“Adam?”

“And Ronan,” Adam answered. “We needed an expert.”

Blue chuckled. “I have no idea what  _ Ronan _ might need an expert in that you’d call me for. You two thinking about changing your clothes?”

“If I needed a clothing expert I wouldn’t call you, Maggot.” Ronan sneered. Adam was glad Blue couldn’t see him. His aggression was unnecessary but Adam knew he was just embarrassed. “I don’t like looking like I’ve gone through a blender.”

“Then why does your face look like that?”

Ronan snorted, unkindly. Adam rolled his eyes again.

“Okay, Blue, this is actually a question about sexuality.”

Ronan flinched. Adam grabbed his arm and pulled it around his own waist, hoping Ronan just needed something to hold onto. They had to get through this.

There was silence for three surprised heartbeats before Blue spoke a tentative, “Okay.”

Adam exhaled. He was so glad he could trust Blue not to ask any embarrassing questions.

“What do you call it when a person has never wanted sex?”

“Asexual.”

The answer was so fast it was almost not real.

Adam looked over his shoulder at Ronan. Ronan was frowning again.

“Can you explain a little about what that means?”

“Well,” Blue started, and it sounded like she was settling in to the couch of the sewing/phone/cat room. Probably for a long explanation. “Obviously it’s different for everyone. But, generally, it means that a person does not feel sexual attraction. The line varies – some people like kissing and cuddling and other people don’t want to be touched  _ at all _ – but it’s just the absence of sexual desire.”

Adam carefully didn’t look at Ronan. He didn’t want Ronan to school his expression away from anything he might be thinking.

“So like abstinence?” Adam asked, not sure where this was going but needing Blue to keep talking. “Like a priest?”

“No,” Blue said, and it sounded like she was shaking her head. “No, because if you’re abstinent, you could still  _ want _ sex, you just don’t let yourself have it. While a lot of asexual people have sex. Some people do it for their partner, or stress relief, or whatever. And they can enjoy it while it’s happening. But they just don’t think of it as something they need themselves. They don’t seek it out.”

Adam was nodding, though he knew Blue couldn’t see him. “So asexual people have sex?”

“Some of them.” He could hear her shrug. “Some don’t. They’re what’s called ‘sex-repulsed.’ But they can still have long-term relationships or whatever. Because they still feel the need to be close to people and have romantic feelings for them.”

Adam’s eyes tightened. Blue wasn’t stupid. He knew that she’d probably guessed what this was about.

He needed to get her off the phone.

“Thanks, Blue. See you at Nino’s”

“Wait, Ad–”

He hung up. He put the phone carefully on the floor.

He found Ronan’s hand and laced their fingers together before turning to him.

“That was easier than angsting for a couple days,” he said lightly.

Ronan’s face wasn’t blank. But it wasn’t any sort of identifiable emotion either.

“Did we learn anything?” Adam prodded, turning his body so he and Ronan were flush together again.

“Sure, Parrish.” Ronan flexed his fingers against Adam’s. “We learned that when you have needs you need to  _ talk _ to me and let me handle them.”

Adam shoved him. He didn’t go very far, pressed into the couch as they were. “I meant about you, asshole.”

“I know what you meant.” Ronan leaned forward and kissed Adam’s eyebrow. “And yeah. It’s something to think about.”

 

They met up with Gansey and Henry later that evening at Nino’s while Blue was on shift.

Ronan kept his arm draped over Adam’s shoulder, just like always, and Adam kept a hand on Ronan’s knee, just like always. Gansey expounded excitedly over some artifacts Mallory had found and Cheng peeled the cheese off his pizza slice before folding it up small and swallowing it whole. Ronan and Adam expressed their feelings of equal disgust and reluctant appreciation. Nothing unusual.

Blue came by to refill their sweet tea, acting too casual for the situation to warrant. Ronan coughed into his fist.

“Fine, Sargent, if you’re gonna be weird, yes the questions were about me.” He shoved the empty platter at her. “Now go get us another pizza.”

Blue seemed shocked but pleased. She didn’t even flip Ronan off when she picked up the tray.

Gansey was too polite to ask what Ronan had been talking about. But Henry wasn’t.

“Wh–”

“None of your goddamn business, Cheng.” He pulled Adam tighter into his side. Adam squeezed his knee.

That was about as good as any of them were going to get.

**Author's Note:**

> [Rebloggable version](http://saywhatjessie.tumblr.com/post/174556589190/needs)


End file.
